Still in the In-Between…

Well, last year it was the fire and this year it was/is COVID-19 but I am still working on my dissertation. My plan is to have it done by the end of this month and to also start updating the blog at least once a week. Over on Facebook I am doing daily videos, Monday, Wednesday and Friday are general topics (last week I talked about goals and how to break them down) and Tuesday is for #talkingtotheteachers and Thursday is #thankfulthursday. I also am uploading them to my YouTube channel if you would rather catch them there. The links for both are below.

I am hoping this limbo will end soon for us all where COVID is concerned and for myself with the writing…all the writing. And if someone could tell me why it is that when you find one thing that answers one question has to open up about 10 more questions! Tell me that and how to stop chasing all the questions, that would be helpful!

YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnTxOS7fJMfCwpyOkAaPrrw?view_as=subscriber

FaceBook https://www.facebook.com/joramous

The InBetween

There was a new show back in the spring (yes I realize that was almost a year ago) called The InBetween about a woman named Cassie Bedford who sees spirits and helps solve their murder cases so the spirit can move on from the in-between. But the idea of being trapped in the in-between isn’t just for restless spirits. Unfortunately, it is where I am and have been since April 2019.

On April 3, 2019, my garage caught fire, which threw my family’s life into all kinds of chaos. We were temporary housing for 4 months while our house was being repaired, in-between. We were having to replace things but at the same time didn’t really know what all needed replacing, in-between. And due to the confusion and stress, I was not able to work on my dissertation or even gather my data before the 2019 school year was over, in-between. In my school, I am both done and not really done.

I have walked in the commencement ceremony back in May but STILL have not finished my dissertation, in-between. My friends have celebrated my achievement but I still have some to go, in-between. At the time we were in-between houses. And I am still in-between Ph.D. candidate and Ph.D. done! I am in-between jobs as well. I was able to work as an adjunct instructor last fall but this semester there were no classes for me to teach, and I don’t have a job (other than finishing this dissertation), in-between. Everything is so…inbetween and has been for almost a year. And it is not a comfortable place to be. I can understand why the spirits are restless in the in-between. It is like balancing on a tightrope somewhere in-between making it across and succumbing to gravity. And to complicate matters you are in a fog. You think you know where you are and where to step next but you can’t see clearly to the next platform.

I have been treading in the fog, inching carefully across to a platform that I am now not even sure is there. I have finally found a classroom to study, and I am working on gathering data, but I am now just in-between the data and the analysis. After that, there is in-between the idea and completion. I now feel like I have been living in the in-between for so long that I may never get out. The idea of a spirit being trapped in purgatory is a common one and one that The InBetween is referencing. If Cassie doesn’t find the killer and get justice, the spirit will be trapped forever in the in-between. Of course in the show, they accomplish the goal and let the spirit move on in a nice tidy hour. But for me? I’ve been here for close to a year.

The in-between is a place to be lost, lack direction, wander from idea to idea. In the show, Cassie is the one to help clear the fog. She guides the spirits safely to the other side, quieting their unrest, solving their murders and bringing the perpetrators to justice. SO, I am wondering who is my Cassie, who is helping me clear the fog and guiding me through the in-between. I’ve been in in-betweens before and I made it through them, but here I am right in the middle of one of the longest periods I have ever spent in the in-between. Where is my Cassie? Where is someone to guide me through the fog? Heck, right now I would even settle for a balance pole for the tightrope and the visibility of the next 3 feet of rope. Maybe there is no Cassie or even scarier maybe I am my own Cassie.

There have been many times over the past year that I have sat in desperation to know what the next move might be, much less what it should be. I have avoided moving in hopes that the platform might materialize in front of me or that the fog might clear even for a second so that I might be able to judge my steps better. But sitting on the wire isn’t any easier and you definitely don’t get anywhere while you do. Plus once you sit you have to get back up, which is hard to do on the ground, much less a tightrope.

So for the last month or so, I have been trying my best to get up and get to inching forward. Trying to make the next small step toward the platform that I hope is there somewhere and will come out of the fog soon. I have committed myself to do something every day that moves me a little forward. Writing a pitch for a freelance article, selling my gently used items that are making it harder to move because they are weighing me down, unpacking one box (yes, I am STILL unpacking from the fire, but we are down to only two rooms), getting dressed which is a bigger accomplishment on some days than I would like to admit. And yes there are days that moving forward means I got dressed for the day. But when you consider I have been at a dead standstill for so long, even a centimeter counts as progress.

All this makes me wonder, is life just a series of in-betweens? Are you ever safely to the next platform and able to see the next one clearly? Or is everything in the in-between? Inbetween the exhale and the inhale? Inbetween the future and the past? Is being present just another form of being in-between? In-between then and what’s next? Do we ever have a Cassie to guide us safely to the other side? Or do we have to be our own Cassie and just step bravely into the fog?

So today I choose to be my own Cassie, I am guiding myself through the fog and relying on my resources and friends to help me achieve my next step. Cassie has her detective father and the police force help, I have my family, friends and fellow grad students to help me figure all this out. I step out bravely and hope that I am heading toward the next platform and that that platform won’t be a dead-end but rather the step I need to continue moving forward in my life. And I ask that you step out bravely as well. Does that mean that you just figure out how to stand? Does that mean you ask for a balance pole? Does that mean you take a moment to reassess your positioning and consider what to do next? Does that mean you eat one healthy meal? Does that mean you take 10 minutes to meditate and breathe? Does that mean you tell someone that they don’t control you? Does that mean that you take time for yourself? Does that mean you volunteer so you can get experience to pursue your dream job? Does that mean you apply for a new job? Does that mean you put down your phone and talk, I mean, really talk to your loved ones?

What does it mean to you to inch forward, to start to find your way out of the in-between? For me, it means I get dressed, I transcribe data, I write and then write some more. And it means that I seek opportunities that make me better, happier and healthier. So today I post this blog. Today I make a list of all the things I need to do and the things I would like to do. And I step bravely into the fog…the next platform is out there, my moment of clarity is waiting, it is now up to me to find it!

Still working on that proposal?

This question and I have a love/hate relationship…I want and like the accountability of people asking about my progress, but I hate the feeling I get when I think “oh no it’s not done yet!” or worse yet “I haven’t done enough!” I had grand plans at the beginning of the month that I would at least have a full draft to my committee by the end of the month. That is looking less and less likely…though I am trying to hold out hope, I have until Wednesday after all…annnnnnd it really is close to being ready.

The problem is I suffer from the desire to know ALL the things. I want to know every work that has been done on my topic, I want to fill every hole in the literature review, I want to make it perfect. Ahhhh, the ever elusive perfection. One of my writing group members told me that they avoided this by putting an intentional mistake somewhere in their writing, so they knew it would never be perfect. The problem is I still want the rest to be perfect. And that just isn’t going to happen. I need to get over this.

I suffer from this in almost all areas of my life and usually settle on the best possible outcome at the time of the deadline for whatever I am doing. BUT the only deadlines I currently have are self-imposed aka no one else is telling me to get this DONE! This is something I have always struggled with, I find it extremely easy to break a promise to myself, even though I would never break a promise or intentionally miss a deadline for someone else. Why do I do this? Why do we ALL do this to ourselves? Shouldn’t the person we want to please most be the one that we live with ALL the time? Ourself. Why should my deadlines be any different from those imposed by others, why should my promise to myself carry less weight than those I make to friends and family?

I have recently started a program for healthy living (weight loss and maintaining a healthy lifestyle). And this problem has shone up there as well. One of the things I have learned in this program is the power of affirmations. In the process of coming up with affirmations every day for my lifestyle, I have thought why can’t I use this idea for other things like writing or teaching. The answer is…there is no reason I can’t. So I have started. First, I started with “I am a writer” then “I am a scholar” then “I am a leader in my field” then “I can make a difference for my students” and so on and so forth. And what I have I learned? The affirmations help. Particularly when I start to believe myself. The mind is funny in this way, it really can’t tell the difference between an actual thing and an imagined thing so if you feed it enough of anything it starts to believe that.

So I am feeding my brain a steady diet of positive affirmations and visualizations of me as a successful Ph.D. holder and professor. I figure if I can get it to believe that is where I am supposed to be, then the writing will happen. One of my favorite stories, when I was young, was “The Little Engine That Could”. When I think of climbing a mountain (or in this case, writing a dissertation), his voice (aka my grandmother’s voice) comes to my mind…”I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.” And that is what this is all about “I think I can!”

In thinking that I can, in the end, I will. Just like the Little Engine, I will climb to the top and move onward and upward. I will continue to write until this thing is done. I will stop seeking perfection and seek completion instead. Because in order to climb the next mountain you have to climb the first one. I know I have many more mountains in my future and most of them will be those I set for myself (just like this one was if I’m being totally honest). So I must start keeping my promises to myself, I must treat my deadlines just like those others set for me. Because honestly, there are now a lot more of the deadlines that I control now than those imposed by others. So if I plan to accomplish anything, I have to honor myself and the work I am asking of myself.

In the end, “I think I can” has to become I do. I do honor myself and I do honor my deadlines and I do keep my promises to myself so that I can achieve my goals.

Another semester…another writing group…and the dreaded proposal defense

Well, we are almost at midterm of the Fall semester. My dream of having my proposal defended by this point is shot or rather pushed to the end of October. I have made significant progress on my proposal (which is the first three chapters of my dissertation) and I am definitely in line to make my defense in the next month. But that is going to take some work. As I mentioned in a previous post, I found the joy of having a writing group this summer and that group is mostly responsible for the amount of work that is done on my proposal. So I have joined another group for the Fall since I know it will keep me on track. What is even better about this group is both members (myself and one other), we are both at the same point in our dissertation. We are both working on second (or third or fourth or…) draft of our proposal and we are both educators! So I feel like this group will be even more productive! And knowing how productive I was this summer, I am super excited to see what I get accomplished in the next 12 weeks. I am still with the same coach, Katie Linder, who is amazing and if you haven’t looked into her work, seriously do yourself a favor and click above!

As for the rest of my life, I am trying to prevent the overtaking of my life by my dissertation. So I have started another coaching group for my health and exercise. So far it is going well as I have lost weight and I am eating much better and sleeping much better, which in the end makes me more productive in the other things in my life…aka my dissertation. I have also found some podcasts on dreaming big and goal setting that I have been enjoying as I work out and on trips to and from school. One is called Do It Scared by Ruth Soukup and it is all about setting big goals and going for them even when it is a little scary to do that. I also, of course, listen to all of Katie’s podcasts (I may have an academic crush here! Katie is what I want to be when I grow up!). And then I have also been listening to The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. All of these have helped me refine my goals and set new ones.

My first goal is to finish my dissertation (duh), but my other goals include: riding the Square2Square Bike ride in the spring with my hubby (it is a 30 miles ride and I’ve never done more than 6), finding a job in education as a professor or a consultant/coach for a school district or two, writing two articles in the next year on topics other than my dissertation, and losing 50 pounds in the next 9 months with my coach’s help. Wow now that I write that all out, I realize I am definitely going to have to do this scared!

As to how I plan on achieving all these things, is based on plan, plan, plan. If I have learned anything from all these podcasts and books I have read, it is the necessity of having a plan and sticking with it. I set weekly goals with Katie and my health coach (Shanda), and those mostly encompass everything above. And the big key is a write them down and I track them…all of them. Even on the weeks that I may not have made progress on one of them. I track it. For some reason seeing that I did or did not accomplish what I needed to during the week makes me even more motivated for the next week or even the next day. It also allows me to look back over the week or month or three months and see what accomplishments I have made. Which my mind conveniently forgets as soon as I make the goal, so having a record keeps me from focusing on the things I haven’t gotten done yet.

So my advice today is: write it down! All of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly…because you will need the reminder about all that good and writing down the bad and ugly will help motivate you to clean up your act! So go forth and write! That is what I will be doing.

The Joy of a Writing Group

Almost two weeks into my summer writing group, and I am seeing some differences in my motivation. Through the group, we set weekly writing goals and I am keeping up with them. If you get a chance to be in a writing group, I highly recommend it. Though these are strangers really, it is nice to know someone is interested in what and why I write. We also have been able to share some of our organization techniques and suggestions. Like using the Get to Work Book and Ghostly products for meetings to help organize your to do’s.

It feels good to have a sort of deadline, even if it is fairly self-imposed. But the difference with the group is, I feel like I need to have achieved what I said I would by the time I said I would. Silly I know, I feel bound to do what I said I would do because of my group. So I guess you could say it a bit of friendly peer-pressure. Also, hearing their challenges helps me to know that I am not alone in this writing thing. If you think about it, most writing is a very lonely activity. In academia, you may have co-authors who you can discuss the topic, but even then in the end you have to sit down and write the paper on your own. So it is nice to know there are others struggling in similar ways that I do.

Whatever it is about this writing group, it is working. I have gotten my chapter 1 through a round of edits and I have a full outline of my chapter 2. Before we meet on Thursday, I will have a draft or at least the start of one for chapter 2 and chapter 1 will be back with my committee. It is nice having a goal to accomplish each week, and when I have mornings like this morning when I wake up at 4:00am and can’t go back to sleep, I know what I can work on.

In the end, it is about accountability. If you are one of the lucky ones that can hold yourself accountable without outside pressure, by just setting and following your own deadlines, well you may not need the extra push of a writing group (though it would still be useful to you for other reasons). But, me? I need someone or something outside of myself to push me to work, and this writing group is working great for me. I would encourage everyone to give it a try.

It doesn’t have to be fancy or strangers or with a coach (like mine is, Katie Linder is amazing if you are looking for a coach), it can just be a group of your fellow Ph.D. students who meet once a month to help each other stay sane. But whatever and whoever is in your writing group, it is nice to have company!

 

Here are a couple of Katie’s podcasts about writing groups. This one from Research in Action and this one from YGT (You’ve Got This) Q&A series.

And writing has commenced…

In the time since my last post, I have written chapter 1 out of the 3 chapters I need for my proposal. I am shooting at having the proposal done a few weeks after one of my committee members get back in the country (he is in Africa on a safari for 5 weeks). Which means I need to write the other two chapters in the next few weeks so they are ready to go when he returns. But that means I need to write! (And not just for my blog as I am now).

One thing I will say for my brain is that it is EXCELLENT at discovering things to do instead of write. Or at least to write the things I NEED to write. My house has never been cleaner, my dogs better exercised, or my closet as organized as when I have a writing project due. The problem in the current case is there really isn’t a specific due date, it has been left up to me to assign myself a due date. (Well, there is the fact that I want to be done and graduated next spring that is exerting some pressure, but not the immediate kind that a looming due date produces). So I have to find a way to get my brain on track.

And that could be tricky. So I joined an online writing group to help with accountability. I think it is going to help at least as much as having to report each week what I have accomplished will trick my brain into productivity. For example, my goal this week is to write for at least 15 minutes every day. This will hopefully get me to my computer and get the words flowing (which has worked today, as this is my 15 minutes of writing) and will lead to longer periods of productivity.

Another thing I have done is a project audit. I have written down all the projects I currently have in the works (and man are there a lot!). This includes the Nature of Science Edited Volume for which I am the asssociate editor, my proposal for my dissertation and a number of proposals for conferences next year. I have also looked at my organizing systems and realized I have somethings that are working like my weekly to-do lists and some things that are not working so well like my monthly, quarterly and yearly goal writing.

I stink at writing goals. I have been trained in at least 5 different methods and the one that has stuck the most is the SMART method. (If you don’t know it, google it, my friend, there are innumerable resources on what it is and how to use it). My problem is I get caught up in the RT, reasonable and timely. I can never seem to judge what is reasonable and timely for my individual projects. Do I write a goal for the whole project? For the major steps in the project? It would seem that dividing the tasks for a major project into individual goals would be reasonable, but where do I divide? Are 3 weeks a reasonable amount of time for research? Should I read as much as possible before I outline? Oh, dear, there goes my brain off to the races and stymied once again from writing a SMART goal for anything.

So my question to the great out there (AKA you! The one reading this), how do you set goals? How do you prevent the great torrent of “what if’s” and “what about’s” from getting the best of you? Seriously, I need a better way because now my brain is set on cleaning the kitchen one more time while I “think” about how I want to set my goals and we all know how that is going to turn out. A clean kitchen and a bunch of squirrels that still will not be corraled into a goal of any sort.

Comps might kill me…

As of right now, I am done writing my comps and have been for a month. Yay, glad that’s over, right? WRONG! I have to defend them and that is happening on Tuesday. And I am a mental wreck…I am rereading my work so it is fresh in my mind, but also critiquing it in order to foresee the questions my committee might ask…and in the process I am driving myself crazy!

Every other sentence is “why did I write that” or “why did I not include…(fill in the blank)” On the one hand, I want Tuesday to stay away for a while…and on the other, I want it to hurry up and get here…particularly 1:00 pm Tuesday (because the defense will be over at that time!). I feel like the little engine that could…”I think I can…I think I can…I think I can” I think I can make it to Tuesday without a mental breakdown…I think I can successfully defend my work…I think I can get through this successfully.

I am sure there are some words of wisdom that should come from this experience. But I haven’t found them yet. I’ll let you know if I do. But right now, I am off to continue the questioning of my sanity for doing this whole thing, oh and why did I write it that way?

Conference, and Colleagues, and Comps, Oh My!

Well I just spent the last week at ASTE conference in Baltimore. I presented my first first author paper, I learned how to be a journal reviewer, and I worked on my comps. Yes in the middle of my 30-day work period, I ran off to Baltimore bringing 12 paper books, about a 100 papers on my iPad, my computer and hopes that I would/could be productive during a conference full of people I wanted to see or meet. So did it work?

The presentation went wonderfully!! I had a full room and some of my previous professors from my masters days were there. It was nice that I still have their support. I had lots of great questions at the end that will prove to make my paper stronger which is the whole point of doing a conference presentation. There were things that I had thought of but weren’t in the data set I presented so it was nice to confirm that I had considered things that others thought would improve the final project.

I also went to a very informative meeting with the editors of the various ASTE journals to learn how to be a reviewer. Let me just say to those grad students out there seeking a way to enhance your own writing, learn how to critique other’s writing! It makes you a better writer. Promise! Anyway, back to the session, it was very informative and though it was meant to let the participants learn how to be on the review board for the journals. It also taught me what the editors look for in their articles which means I can now tailor my writing to better fit. Again to grad students or those considering taking this on, if you are trying to get an article printed, read the journal you want to get it in. See what kinds of articles they print, see what format they prefer. Do your (journal) research!

I did get to see many colleagues that I hadn’t seen since last year, I got to meet some of the authors I have emailed over the past year for the book I’m editing (associate editor), and I got to meet some lovely new people. But the best thing about conference is you get talk about your ideas to others who listen with more than polite interest. These are my people! They can talk for long periods of time about learning theory and how to best get your preservice teachers to better use it. They can talk about Dialogue and dialogic teaching and since it was a science education conference there were crazy science nerds there too!

Okay, okay, you say, but what about your comps?!?!?! Well I wasn’t as productive as I had hoped. BUT I did get something done. And I had planned for this week to not be as heavy on the writing, thus the 12 books and 100 articles. So I read. Which is part of academic writing. You have to know the literature to speak on it. Did I read it all? No of course not! But it eased my anxiety to have them all with me so IF I caught a thought, I had my tools available. And lo and behold one day I did! And I ended up finishing question three!! So I’m going to count this week as a win!

Now to get back home and double down…and get this thing finished!

The Dreaded Comprehensives

Well, I have been slogging through all my research, trying desperately to make connections and answer the question given me. I was given my questions the last week of the semester around the 19th…and now I have until to January 19th to put together a coherent response to the “three” questions asked me ( I say “three” because there are actually more like 10 just in parts of the three). I have a stack of books that is about two feet tall and a three-ring binder with about 70 articles that I am trying to place together in a coherent answer. This (writing this blog) is actually a break. Since I received my questions I have spent around 48+ hours on reading and writing and editing. And that doesn’t seem like nearly enough!

My questions are good questions. They relate to what I want to do in the future on my dissertation…so I can’t ask for better than that. I have a fully formed answer for one of them, though I seem to add to it daily. I have a page limit of 50 pages. In one way, I feel like 50 pages! How am I going to fill 50 pages! Then, on the other hand, looking at all my research, I am like how I am going to fit all this into 50 pages! I am very glad that I am doing this over winter break…I can’t imagine how I would have done this during the semester.

At the same time as all of this, I also have a presentation I have to make in Baltimore (that still has to be made) and I will be there for a week. I also have to plan for a new class for the spring, which includes reading a couple of textbooks to see if I want to keep the order I was given or change it up. Oh and family visits and then there was Christmas this week and New Years next…AHHHHHHHHHHHHH…there is not enough time! Must get back to reading and writing…if I could only do both at once!