The InBetween

There was a new show back in the spring (yes I realize that was almost a year ago) called The InBetween about a woman named Cassie Bedford who sees spirits and helps solve their murder cases so the spirit can move on from the in-between. But the idea of being trapped in the in-between isn’t just for restless spirits. Unfortunately, it is where I am and have been since April 2019.

On April 3, 2019, my garage caught fire, which threw my family’s life into all kinds of chaos. We were temporary housing for 4 months while our house was being repaired, in-between. We were having to replace things but at the same time didn’t really know what all needed replacing, in-between. And due to the confusion and stress, I was not able to work on my dissertation or even gather my data before the 2019 school year was over, in-between. In my school, I am both done and not really done.

I have walked in the commencement ceremony back in May but STILL have not finished my dissertation, in-between. My friends have celebrated my achievement but I still have some to go, in-between. At the time we were in-between houses. And I am still in-between Ph.D. candidate and Ph.D. done! I am in-between jobs as well. I was able to work as an adjunct instructor last fall but this semester there were no classes for me to teach, and I don’t have a job (other than finishing this dissertation), in-between. Everything is so…inbetween and has been for almost a year. And it is not a comfortable place to be. I can understand why the spirits are restless in the in-between. It is like balancing on a tightrope somewhere in-between making it across and succumbing to gravity. And to complicate matters you are in a fog. You think you know where you are and where to step next but you can’t see clearly to the next platform.

I have been treading in the fog, inching carefully across to a platform that I am now not even sure is there. I have finally found a classroom to study, and I am working on gathering data, but I am now just in-between the data and the analysis. After that, there is in-between the idea and completion. I now feel like I have been living in the in-between for so long that I may never get out. The idea of a spirit being trapped in purgatory is a common one and one that The InBetween is referencing. If Cassie doesn’t find the killer and get justice, the spirit will be trapped forever in the in-between. Of course in the show, they accomplish the goal and let the spirit move on in a nice tidy hour. But for me? I’ve been here for close to a year.

The in-between is a place to be lost, lack direction, wander from idea to idea. In the show, Cassie is the one to help clear the fog. She guides the spirits safely to the other side, quieting their unrest, solving their murders and bringing the perpetrators to justice. SO, I am wondering who is my Cassie, who is helping me clear the fog and guiding me through the in-between. I’ve been in in-betweens before and I made it through them, but here I am right in the middle of one of the longest periods I have ever spent in the in-between. Where is my Cassie? Where is someone to guide me through the fog? Heck, right now I would even settle for a balance pole for the tightrope and the visibility of the next 3 feet of rope. Maybe there is no Cassie or even scarier maybe I am my own Cassie.

There have been many times over the past year that I have sat in desperation to know what the next move might be, much less what it should be. I have avoided moving in hopes that the platform might materialize in front of me or that the fog might clear even for a second so that I might be able to judge my steps better. But sitting on the wire isn’t any easier and you definitely don’t get anywhere while you do. Plus once you sit you have to get back up, which is hard to do on the ground, much less a tightrope.

So for the last month or so, I have been trying my best to get up and get to inching forward. Trying to make the next small step toward the platform that I hope is there somewhere and will come out of the fog soon. I have committed myself to do something every day that moves me a little forward. Writing a pitch for a freelance article, selling my gently used items that are making it harder to move because they are weighing me down, unpacking one box (yes, I am STILL unpacking from the fire, but we are down to only two rooms), getting dressed which is a bigger accomplishment on some days than I would like to admit. And yes there are days that moving forward means I got dressed for the day. But when you consider I have been at a dead standstill for so long, even a centimeter counts as progress.

All this makes me wonder, is life just a series of in-betweens? Are you ever safely to the next platform and able to see the next one clearly? Or is everything in the in-between? Inbetween the exhale and the inhale? Inbetween the future and the past? Is being present just another form of being in-between? In-between then and what’s next? Do we ever have a Cassie to guide us safely to the other side? Or do we have to be our own Cassie and just step bravely into the fog?

So today I choose to be my own Cassie, I am guiding myself through the fog and relying on my resources and friends to help me achieve my next step. Cassie has her detective father and the police force help, I have my family, friends and fellow grad students to help me figure all this out. I step out bravely and hope that I am heading toward the next platform and that that platform won’t be a dead-end but rather the step I need to continue moving forward in my life. And I ask that you step out bravely as well. Does that mean that you just figure out how to stand? Does that mean you ask for a balance pole? Does that mean you take a moment to reassess your positioning and consider what to do next? Does that mean you eat one healthy meal? Does that mean you take 10 minutes to meditate and breathe? Does that mean you tell someone that they don’t control you? Does that mean that you take time for yourself? Does that mean you volunteer so you can get experience to pursue your dream job? Does that mean you apply for a new job? Does that mean you put down your phone and talk, I mean, really talk to your loved ones?